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There have been raging debates on the internet about gender-related topics over the last couple of years. We have seen prominent discussions happening in our traditional news outlets, social and other visual digital medias as well as formal education platforms. Whether it has been debates about the necessity and/ or extent of sex and sexual health education, the latest trad wife/ baddie craze, women asking the US government to put tariffs on podcast mics or rants about women’s or men’s rights issues, the internet is ablaze with discussion. One that has particularly caught my attention and had me mulling over this blog piece is the concept of being “the prize” in a romantic relationship. I would be surprised if your algorithm has not at any single point pushed out some or other video on this rhetoric in the last couple of years. Women and men are arguing like cats and dogs about who “the prize” is in the heterosexual romantic relationship, who is the more valuable party, who is the reacher and settler in the dynamic… And, of course, some of concepts and observations that are being brought up are valid, according to me, but other takes are so hot and so wrong that I can see why dating in today’s society has become so hard.
I am no expert at social and romantic dynamics. I merely exist as an overthinking, curious and stubborn observer of human interactions. And, luckily, I managed to land a man who is just as eagle-eyed as me. We chat and debate often about many topics (finances, families, trauma, hip hop, Beyonce and Mikel Arteta’s starting 11, amongst many things). A lot of times I have deep, entrenched views about the world, unwavering in my conviction…however, through many of our discussions I have come to appreciate the male perspective, the middle-upper class perspective, the perspective of the ‘connoisseur the culture’ on many issues. It has been incredibly refreshing – diving into the depths of each other’s views, stress-testing our reasoning and challenging each other’s assumptions and conclusions has been a great exercise in perspective-taking.
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So, I’m sure you’d like to know…who’s the prize in our marriage?
Men and women are valued differently. To deny that is to be ill-informed at best and disingenuous at worst. None of us live in a vacuum; we interact with the world, exist within cultural norms, beliefs and limitations. Thus, it is clear to see how we are living our personal lives for ourselves just as much as we are for communities we operate in proximity to. We either adopt or denounce the norms of the societies we live in and that can gain us favour or disdain in said societies. But now with the world more connected than ever before, we can and have adopted stances from far off geographies with societies that grapple with their own issues, own histories and own standards. That in and of itself is not a bad thing but a lot of context can get lost when people synthesize their opinions into 60-second videos for views, likes and virality. So, it does not surprise that common sense is often missing in the internet’s gender wars.
Self-esteem, standards and value
When we talk about self-esteem and standards, it’s worth reflecting on how we understand them as internal truths for ourselves and how we let them inform the relationships we chose to engage in. Absolute self-esteem speaks to how you see and carry yourself no matter the circumstance, this is the baseline belief in your worth, your competence, your value. Relative self-esteem, on the other hand, shows up in the expectations you hold, the access you grant, your discernment and the behaviours you tolerate or refuse from those in your life.
Wanting better for yourself should be about aligning with your value system, a quiet confidence that says, “I know my value, and therefore I am selective about who gets access and proximity to me.” The “prize mentality” often goes above and beyond the values
and standards informing what you expect and will accept from others. It often skirts a desire for growth, reciprocity and mutual efforts, and rather seeks to dominate the dynamic or be crowned as exceptional – always the higher value, never the equal.
Requiring respect, effort, consistency and presence can be good indicators of healthy self-esteem; demanding to be the prize on top of
all that, well…look, if your self-esteem can’t fathom not being “pedestaled” in a relationship, you need to question how much self-esteem you actually possess.
So, there is no prize???
Not exactly. Yes, I believe that neither you nor your partner are the prize in the relationship. I repeat, neither the woman nor the man is the prize in your romantic relationship. The prize is the relationship itself.
Quality love
Think about it… How many bad relationships are you currently aware of? Relationships involving neglect, inconsideration, infidelity, abuse and/or unmitigated conflict. I’m willing to bet that we can all name many examples of these terrible and toxic romantic dynamics that we’ve seen in our homes, friendship circles, offices, tabloids and (recently) at a Coldplay concert! To contrast this, think about how many relationships there are in the above-mentioned spheres of your life that you admire and give praise to. I’m sure there are a few wonderful connections that come to mind but again, I’m happy to put money behind the guess that the bad apples outweigh the good for many people. Which leads me to believe that healthy, supportive, consistently praiseworthy relationships are incredibly hard to come by and therefore, hard to find ourselves in without some concerted efforts and commitment from both parties.
Good, healthy and quality relationships should be prized as somewhat of a rarity. And before you accuse me of relationship idolatry, I invite you to think about the good ingredients that make up a great romance and life with someone.
Forming a relationship and a love story that you can take pride in and being with someone who makes you feel seen, safe, understood in a way that challenges some of your longest-held insecurities is a universally-craved positive, corrective experience, irrespective of whether it continues onto marriage. A love that makes you feel good about repairing cracks after conflict, a love that makes you feel like you’re meeting new parts of yourself – gently. A love that is patient, kind, that does not dishonour, that always protects and the rest of what 1 Corinthians 13:8 had to offer in defining the key tenets of love. That is the prize!
As a standalone person you can absolutely hold yourself at high esteem and be in a beautiful and fulfilling relationship without needing to be “the prize”. I can hardly think many other non-contractual relationships where one party expects to be heralded and lauded by the other continuously. Persistent imbalances in power and/or value (whether real or perceived) are the breeding ground for comparison and ego which can grow into conflict and resentment over time. I cannot imagine anyone wanting to uphold a social connection where one party consistently ranks higher than the other and power trips when they don’t get their way. Not only is the prize mentality a lack of vulnerability, it is also a built-in exit strategy that will have you thinking “uhh, if this all goes to sh!t, I’m still hot in the streets, I don’t need him/her”. This invariably erodes the level of investment people are willing to put into the relationship and stunts its growth.
Ball’s in your court…play on!
Healthy and happy relationships are not monolithic though; we all desire different things because our psychology, needs and preferences are unique. So, I do not have a golden answer on how to correct/address this mindset…that’s what self-work/therapy, journalling and community are for. And in general, I try not to be prescriptive on this blog so there isn’t a “this is how you fix this mindset it in your relationship” angle to this post. Over and above that, I assume you are a curious and smart reader, so I have zero authority over you anyway. How you choose to use the information you’ve just gained from the perspective of some newlywed lady you know from the internet will honestly be to up you and your desire to generate different outcomes in your romantic pursuits going forward. I merely wish to plant the seed in your mind that maybe the ideals and standards you currently insist on may not be serving your desired outcome. If you long for mutual respect, partnership and equal investment into your relationship, you’re going to have to think differently about your position, contribution and demands in the romantic sphere.
While you may not be the prize, you still have a very good shot at finding someone who will adore you deeply and praise you consistently and with enough courage, intention and desire you’ll feel good about investing at equal levels, no ranking table required.
Thank you for taking the time to read or listen to this blog in full – leave a comment if you feel me 🙂
Love this so much! Thanks newlywed lady 🥰
Thankssss for reading the post and leaving a comment, Krinny✨
I think this paragraph “ When we talk about self-esteem and standards, it’s worth reflecting on how we understand them as internal truths for ourselves and how we let them inform the relationships we chose to engage in…” sums up everything about the article for me. You’ve described very well what it means to have self-esteem and love that demands much of one’s self before it outs demands on one’s partner. There’s really no need to feel the need to be the prize if you understand yourself and what you will accept and not accept from a partner. This expands to even other areas of one’s live. A really thoughtful article. Well done Zama!
Those who get it reallllly get it! Thanks for reading the post and sharing your thoughts, Dankie✨ that’s a great take away! And it most definitely does extend to so much more of ours lives.
The relationship is the prize! Love that! Amazing piece lil sis 😊
Thank you for reading the post and commenting, Obie✨ I appreciate the feedback!