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“Dear Lord,
Thank you for all that you have done for me, all that you have revealed to me, all that have pulled me out of and all that allowed me steward. As Mo and I enter into this next phase of our lives, I pray that You…”
…now c’mon, you really thought I’d let you into that private conversation in its entirety?? That’s between and my Maker.
As most of you would know by now, I’ve just gotten married to my dearest “Mo Money,” but most of you will not know just how much of stretch it has been for me to get here. As a child of a single mother, who grew into a woman attracted to men, I’ve gone through quite a colourful evolution of thought as it relates to the institution of marriage. From not knowing much about it, never seeing it consistently, to seeing glimpses of its successes and failures, to questioning its value altogether…all the way to now, signing up for it wholeheartedly.
I think we all know the purported benefits of marriage and appreciate that they are nuanced depending on geography, culture, age, maturity of the couple and relationship, family dynamics and a host of other factors. Here’s the list of the high-level benefits ChatGPT generated for me based on scholarly research on marriage:
- Economic & Financial Security
- Health & Longevity
- Parenthood & Family Support
- Social Legitimacy & Protection
- Legacy
I have strong and relatively disagreeable views on relationships and men which have weaved their way into my views on marriage as an institution. Without diving into the rabbit hole of it all and while making a number of generalisations based on my own anecdotal observations/ experiences, I believe that our patriarchal society does quite a lot to prepare young girls into adult- and womanhood and not enough for young boys who grow to be men in relationships with these women or each other. We can all point to exceptions to these generalisations on either end of the spectrum, I appreciate that, all I’m saying is that “girls are raised and boys are loved” is a sentiment I’ve seen play out and borne the consequences of throughout my 3 decades on this sphere. This has shaped my views and experiences with heterosexual men in very interesting ways.
EARLY YEARS, EARLY VIEWS
In my younger years, I grew up a fatherless home, so I saw my mom take up a world of responsibilities, including my rearing and disciplining and keeping employed to pay for household and lifestyle expenses. To me that was where I saw and learnt that women were competent and capable adults. My mother, and later my sister as well, rose to the circumstances of being left with no support from my other parent in raising me to be the woman I am today. Whether it was school drop offs, disciplining me or paying for school trips or driving to interviews, they held it down. So even before I got to my senior years of high school and formally learnt about it, I had seen the F-word in action. Before I ever opened Anne Brontë’s The Tenant of Wildfell Hall (an excellent read, btw), felt the urge to retweet #menaretrash posts or I understood how deep misogyny truly goes, I was radicalised. Feminism is not something I picked up in a classroom or on Beyonce’s ***Flawless, it was weaved into family life and who I consistently saw taking action in and around my life.
That said, I do not hate men as people or masculinity as a concept… I hate how men are socialised. And if you are reading this and starting to feel a little irritated at what I’m saying, I’d invite you to read up more on men’s mental health statistics and tell me why you do not think our socialisation of men is problematic. I’d like to address this in a separate piece but for now, it’s about me, Mo, the institution of marriage and how I got to “I do”.
TOUGH TIMES WERE LASTING
Fast forward to my late teens and early 20s…where I saw so many examples of supposed monogamous long-term relationships and just how carelessly people were behaving in them. I felt disheartened and questioned whether monogamy was actually natural at all. Examples came up my own budding romantic experiences, observing my friends crying over heartbreaks, headlines of our fave celebrity couples splitting, the Lemonade album and and and…And that was just infidelity. There were also so many stories about abuse, jealousy, financial stresses and more adverse aspects of romance that I saw coming up over and over again. Look, no one walking this earth is perfect, so no relationship on this earth will ever be perfect. To expect that is not only foolish, it will drive you mad. I think being that young and observing and experiencing disappointing relationships dynamics crushed something in my spirit and made me question and doubt the value of marriage altogether.
My worst romantic experience took place between the ages of 21 and 24, just as my prefrontal cortex was doing the last bit of meaningful development. I was in an on-and-off relationship with someone who undoubtedly crossed the Rubicon in terms of adverse experiences and left me traumatised. I don’t use that term lightly…my therapist looked at me and asked, “how could you not be?” after I reflected on my experiences during that period and first thought out loud that maybe it had left me traumatised. That experience changed the course of my life. I do not believe in ‘thanking your haters’ (and trust me, he was a hater) so I do not and will never credit that person for changing my life; I thank myself mainly and my community as well. I pat myself on the back proudly for walking out of that situation (with all my shame and guilt and depressed self-confidence) and not going on to hurt other people. “Hurt people hurt people” is not a currency I carry in my spirit, so I didn’t want to pay forward the trauma that I had experienced by running out into the world and becoming a horrible person. Don’t get me wrong, heartbroken Zama was not always the kindest, most considerate or even most positive person to be around. I dealt with a lot and overall, that was a rough time for me and those around me!
I became officially single in early 2019 after what felt like a soul-crushing discovery that included infidelity and manipulation for years, unbeknownst to me. Looking back on it now, the timing of my exit was a God moment. Honestly, I was extracted from that situation – painfully but as a matter of mercy. God breathed life into me. I shouldn’t have been there for that long and so I was presented no choice but to heed.
WHAT HAPPENS IN THAILAND
October 2019 marked our Thailand trip with a group of friends. It was the first time Mo, and I were objectively single since meeting Mo back in 2015. Mo had always spoken positively towards me, he did not hide his feelings about wanting more than just a platonic relationship, despite me doubting my desirability at the time. He respected the fact that I had someone before, however flawed the situation, and also had someone himself at some point. There is no such thing as the friend-zone so don’t start with me…
In any case, Thailand gave us just over a week of experiencing each other’s company unencumbered. We could be (and were) as honest, as funny, as vulnerable, as serious and as flirty as we pleased. And as the last 6 years has shown, what happened in Thailand did not stay in Thailand. Thank God!!! Cause I love that man!!!
We learnt sooooo much about it other during that time; it was such a rich experience where our connection was deepening day by day. Our friends nicknamed us the Yin Yang twins for all the whispering, chuckling and inside joking we carried on with. There was a foreign and sweet intimacy that was forming. I felt seen and engaged in ways I had never been before. I don’t write or speak in hyperbolic sweet nothings but we were definitely lost in our own discovery of one other. And no, not everything was holiday moviesque… the then-new handholding felt both natural and daring, it was sometimes weird kissing my friend and I also then started feeling pressure to make sure my bikinis sit well because I knew I being observed. There was a powerful intentionality that we demonstrated, so I will always credit that trip as a key catalyst to what you now know as MoZam!
LOVE, ACTUALLY
So, as you can see, getting to “I do” has been a colourful story. There’s a rich tapestry to a lot of the views I hold, and I will write more about those in future out but now my core belief is that:
The PR for marriage falling apart might actually be what saves the sanctity of the institution.
What I mean is that if the performative beauty, the dress-up and manufactured goodness of marriage dies down and the realness of living a life with someone who is imperfect-but-trying while imperfect yourself, remaining faithful even when others get tempted and fail, waking up next to the same person everyday (even on the mornings after a big fight) colours people’s expectations of the institution, then maybe the institution has a shot. If people know and understand the demands of life beyond the weddings and of commitment, that it’s not going to be glamorous, lovey-dovey or cinematic and still want to subscribe, then maybe we could weed out all the people who have been saying “I do” for the wrong reasons all along… well, I hope.
For me, personally, I came to desire and value the institution after I became serious about my personal value system, my standards and requirements in a romantic relationship. I also became clear about what I wanted to experience in love and how I wanted to be experienced too. Mutual respect, presence and genuine interest in my partner and safety became fundamentals for me. Emotional honestly and communication also became prized. I have become really intentional about “what love feels like” and what kind of love I want to pour into and take pride in. In Mo and MoZam, the relationship, I have found myself a love I have honestly never seen before…not necessarily because I think we’re that special, there are obvious limitations on observing people’s relationships from the outside looking in so I’m sure a love like this exists, I’m just saying, I haven’t seen it. The man is my best friend, he is the first person I call crying sad or happy tears, he knows me more than anyone has ever and I have learnt so much about the world, about kindness, about myself and about love because of him. I’m version of myself that I’ve never seen before. Sharper, more compassionate, funnier, safer. No one is perfect, don’t get me wrong, but having walked the journey I have, through shock, fear, a few bruises to my heart and ego and inevitable change…I’m glad I managed that I got here…a whole Mrs – a high conviction call.
…
“For Thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory. Forever and ever, amen!”
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