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Success means different things to us all.
I want to discuss the idea of community and collective love being a part of one’s definition of success.
We all need community; a group of people who are in your life in differing capacities, who will help you fill your cup and whose cups you pour into too. All of our relationships build our sense of community and love, and no one person can be the source of all your companionship needs. We are full and whole human beings outside of every relationship we are party to. I am not just a sister, or a girlfriend, or an aunt or a best friend; I am Zamafuya – the person that remains when there is no one else in the room. But the room is big…so, the community (kinda) needs to be big too.
MY FAM
I have quite a big family. 5 siblings altogether, over 10 first cousins and around 20 nieces/nephews/second cousins. So family just…numerically makes up the majority for me. My family, like many others, has a world of love to give but also comes with a world of baggage. Our own unique ties to one another, the support we’ve shared, the arguments we’ve gotten into, the traumas we’ve survived and all the new life we’ve welcomed over years and years. My siblings (on my mom’s side) are 10 and 12 years older than me, so that age gap left a lot of room for unrelatable experiences for us while I was growing up. I’m far closer in age to my second cousins and created familial friendships there. My siblings and our first cousins were more so “deputy parents” to me as we grew older and they started creating families of their own.
I don’t like to the concept of favouritism in many spheres of society, I’ve seen how it has led to rifts in family structures, jealousy in friendships and mistreatment in the workplace. It generally tends to do more harm than good. It would be a lie to say my niblings are not my faves, though. Mainly as a result proximity and frequency of interactions. It has been so interesting to see the world through their eyes – seeing them understand things for the first time, teaching them pronunciations of new words, encouraging them to finish a challenging level of whatever game they’re playing that week – it’s all been so fascinating. Being “Aunty Zama” has really expanded my heart and unlocked a new level of love and knowledge for me. It’s easy to see how you, as an adult, will teach children a lot about life, the world, how to win graciously or get back up after losing etc… But you will grow with them too. Kids are great teachers, not by instruction, but virtue of being there and asking a thousand questions per minute. You will learn a lot about yourself, your level of emotional intelligence and regulation and your knowledge or lack thereof. Overall, I think you will learn to become a better adult and better person if you are open to letting them soften your heart and make you think a bit more about the why’s, how’s and what about’s that you previously didn’t question.
As I’ve grown in my adult years, I’ve also had the opportunities to take up more responsibility and play ‘big sister’ to a few of my second cousins too. One of my favourite recent experiences was taking in my niece earlier this year as she left home for UCT. No small task taking care of a teen, even if it was for a 2-week period before classes started. Luckily, Zanele is a smart / smart-ass and calm Gen-Zer. She would throw the random ageist shade that they all do but it was honestly such a pleasure being able to step in and help her get accustomed to the Cape Town (I should get paid for how well I repped this city).
My familial community is one that is very important to me and keeping good, honest and loving connections with them gives me a sense of joy and forms part of my success definition.
MY MATES
My friendships are quite fragmented; many of the friends I’ve made over the past 10 years are the ones who have stuck. Each of my friends has their own special place in my heart and I’ve experienced life’s peaks and troughs with them.
One of the things I’ve openly wished I had is a” girl squad”!! I have beautiful, strong, fun and funny connections with a number of amazing women but not “the squad”. I was having a conversation about this with one of my friends recently and she was of the view that that might be a blessing of its own given the issues that can come up within the squad dynamic (of any gender). Examples include the formation of mini-cliques, the potential for 1 conflict or misunderstanding costing you more people than the person with whom the issue started or being held back from experiencing certain things of personal interest because of groupthink.
I can appreciate this view.
Admittedly, it does take quite a while for me to warm up to people. I tend to take the time to get to know people, interact with them in different settings over time, ask important questions to gain an understanding of who they are, what they’ve been through and what they want and expect out of life. I generally enjoy my process and the concept of growing into friendship. So, I usually start off at arm’s length with people whose company I enjoy (basically, just being respectful and sociable) and work my way into a deeper level of care, confidence, and openness…and eagerness! The quality of relationships have started to mean something a lot deeper to me, so I’m willing to put in the effort to get the chemistry “just right”. Naturally, that means I don’t get there with everyone but every relationship is unique with its own beauty and challenges.
Friendship is so beautiful, and I’ve historically not been a fan of the term “chosen family” but building and keeping friendships really is tantamount to picking out new brothers and sisters to love all around the world. So, you lot might have won me over there.
One of my favourite not-so-recent experiences with my friend, Nicole, was a conversation where she was talking about an unfortunate dating experience and how regretful she was about how things panned out. I was happy to be a safe space for her to vent but certainly had to interject when she said something quite unkind and negative about herself. What she said is not important part for you, the reader, to note. The fact that I know with certainty that she would not repeat those words to/about another person – a person she loves or cares deeply about – is the reason I had to step in.
“You would never say that to someone you love…so, why do you think it’s okay to say about yourself?”.
Getting to know people deeply gifts us the confidence to have deeper conversations with them and to be able to love them when they are struggling to give themselves the same kind-heartedness they offer others. And they can help us do the same when we are in need too. To this end, high quality platonic relationships are definitely a part of my success definition, there are so so so many positive and corrective social interactions you will have with your friends that will heal parts of you you didn’t know were hurting.
MY MAN
Mo and I have known each other for about 6.5 years in total and we’ve been going as “MoZam” for just over 4 years now – the longest relationship yet for both of us. I love him romantically, obviously, but that 2.5-year friendship was really the best foundation for our relationship. It gave me such an appreciation for him as a person, as my friend and as a man.
To this day, even when we have arguments or disagreements, I pull myself towards peace and resolution by remembering that he is my friend who I loved before it got romantic and I believe that gives me an extra bit of grace for the situation.
Having a good and healthy relationship is a big part of my success definition. Our society does seem to either glorify or sh!t on romantic relationships in ways that, I think, tend to place too much pressure and emphasis on them, which can ultimately mess up the dynamic. I’ve seen this play out in the extremes within social discourse. Whether it’s the people who are jaded /prideful / fearful / disinterested who swear that love and romance are dead. Or it’s the people who are sucked all the way in, whose relationships are barely distinguishable from their own personhood, we’ve all assumed a stance on the matter.
Romantic relationships are deeply personal though; while I understand that some expectations and experiences can be a direct reflection of a zeitgeist, I think we do tend to place too much value on what other people say “it should feel like/ be”. Let’s consider knocking that down a few notches.
I think the 2 people within a romantic relationship should invest time and effort into getting to really know one another in the time they interact with one another. Taking an interest in your partner, getting to know about their childhood, their dreams, their pains, their support system (or lack thereof) and all other big and small details is so important. You will be able to make an assessment on whether that person being in your life is going to improve or impair your quality of life and chances at success. For me, what society has to say about how men and women work, what planets we come from, what emasculates or defeminises shouldn’t be as important as the deep and specific knowledge you gain about the person you love and what the best course for you 2 is. So, it’s imperative to be wise and dialled into your relationship in deciding to stay… or leave.
Mo and I are not perfect, as individuals or as a couple. However, there is a lot of intention and warmth between us. So, it’s definitely a very different romantic experience for us both for the last 4 years.
He was the first person I spoke to about seriously pursuing this blog. I was hesitant to say anything, out of fear that I might not get an encouraging response. But my boi did not disappoint! His reaction was one of excitement, encouragement and affirmation. He told me it was very on-brand of me, that I’d be very good at it and that he was willing to be my sounding board or ghost writer where necessary – so, definitely one of my favourite recent experiences in our relationship.
All in all, the markers of success are many. We spend a lot of time looking outward to our investment portfolios, the state of our homes, the designer wear we can now afford and our job titles as the key markers of success. Don’t get me wrong, those things do matter but a big part of how we can feel contentment within our success story is having people we love by our side – feeling the warmth of their presence, their support, and their love in our lives. Successful relationships can be the difference between your glass half empty or half full perspective.
… and when you continue to stick with and honour your family, friends and love interests over years and years, they can take your half full cup to that which overflows.
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MY PEOPLE ARE NOT THE CONTENT
I want to end off with a disclaimer – I generally don’t want to talk too much about my current relationships on the blog. I respect my family, friends and Mo’s privacy, and their personal and professional profiles. There will always be more context and detail that I can potentially share about the experiences I write about on the blog but I don’t want to risk oversharing and making people feel uncomfortable or exposed. Generally, the ethos of the blog and my individual content is sociological with some personal elements. So, I want to continue to focus on the learnings, concepts and values and aim to avoid making other people’s personal experiences with me the content itself.
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Thank you for taking this time to read/ listen to this blog.
You’re an amazing writer Zama 🤌🏽
Thank you for leaving a comment on the blog post. I appreciate that you took the time to read and engage. I love you❤️
Here to catch up and I am thoroughly enjoying reading your blogs. So insightful and calming. Thank you 🙂
Awwww thank youuuuu girl❤️ Happy reading!