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Every major human failing is preceded by one class or collective of people believing that they are better than or sufficiently different to another class or collective such that it justifies the abuse of, discrimination against, violence or hatred towards those people. The lack of understanding and/or acceptance of people’s absolute value and personhood leads us to relative measures of people that, in turn, continues to pit us against one another and ruin our lives.
Growing up in a strict, black, Christian household in Soweto, an important rule I had to follow was respecting my elders. Whether it was an aunt, an uncle, a neighbour or my mother’s church friend, I was expected to toe the line and be on my best behaviour to demonstrate respect. This demonstration usually relied on my compliance and fear of consequences more than anything else. In this regard, my upbringing was not unique. My siblings, cousins and friends all had the same message preached to them when growing up. “Respect your elders”. An “incomplete” greeting, not announcing your departure or talking back would be checked quickly by verbal reprimand or a bombastic side eye and labelled as disrespect.
It was not exactly clear to me why this rule was important to be honest or what the expectations were for my behaviour with everyone else who would not be considered an elder, but I knew that deviating from it would mean trouble. With that, I present Problem Number 1: the obvious but unspoken categorisation of who I absolutely needed to respect and…well, everyone else. While we’re here, I might as well present Problem Number 2: teaching kids rules instead of values can often result in the sort of shallow compliance I saw a lot growing up. Kids who would be respectful and abiding in their parent’s presence and turn chaotic once their parents turned their backs. And often, kids would also be respectful to elders and terrible or menacing to their peers.
Well, those kids grow up and become teenage and adult peers in schools, varsities, workplaces, social circles, and romantic partnerships. Having been taught limited rules and values and, a lot of times, not investing enough into their personal development in ways that would stretch their knowledge and wisdom, we find ourselves dealing with disrespectful individuals in all spheres of society. Whether or not these people were told it was only elders deserving of respect, it is clear that the current respect model lacks grounding and afterthought. Think about the number of times you’ve had a foul experience with someone and thought, “who tf raised this person?” or better yet, “why is he/she talking to me like that?”. Point is, we have a problem!
I often say “words have meanings” when people seek to apply liberal and incorrect interpretations to words in the pursuit of their arguments… (I promise I’m fun at parties). So, let’s Google the word respect:
For me, the two definitions essentially make the point of this blog post and my Respect Model. Definition 2 speaks of due regard for others, it does not seek to categorize or give reason for who qualifies for respect, while Definition 1 does that. So, in this case, it is clear that “respect your elders” would fall into Definition 1 – we are taught to hold elders in high regard because they older, wiser or more important or more vulnerable than us. At the core of my argument, I do not think that this rule is wrong; I just believe it is limited. My Respect Model aligns more closely with Definition 2 and also solves Problem Number 2.
I do not believe that respect needs to be earned or qualified for. I believe that respect is a fundamental value that we all need to hold and apply to everyone that we meet. I believe everyone needs to be offered due regard, consideration, and courtesy in all initial interactions. I believe that kids (and people in general) should be taught to “have respect” for people including themselves.
You may initially want to call this silly or airy-fairy when thinking of practically applying this value, but I want to point out the flaw in that thinking by probing why you think that. When you first meet or interact with someone, what would make you think that that person does not deserve respect? Common (unspoken) but obvious reasons why one would not afford another person respect at first instance include classism, racial bias, lack of regard on account of age, status, title or even just appearance. Through this lens, it becomes clear that the reasons for not having respect for people’s personhood are the same reasons that have led to people justifying discrimination, hatred and even violence against other people in our current societies and centuries before. I put it to you that the respect you hold for your grandfather and aunt at home is the same respect you need to hold for your line manager and tea lady at work, your group members at school, your friends and children alike – as per Definition 2. Remembering that expanding your respect to people in general does not take away from those we’ve been told to respect all along. This way we solve Problem Number 1.
Definition 1, for me, would be taking it a step further as people’s accolades and qualities elicit your admiration in addition to the basic due regard for their personhood.
Before I lose you with this argument, I want to make it clear that just because I believe that everyone deserves respect at first instance, it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in losing respect for people or (rightfully) disrespecting them. I think that the starting point is respecting someone because that is a fundamental value for humankind; the maintenance of that respect will be up to that person. So, when you get to know someone and offer them courtesy upon interacting with them and they are courteous in return, their actions and behaviours show kindness and consideration for your and other people’s feelings, your level of respect for them is maintained or even grows. The opposite would also be true, losing respect or gaining reasons to disrespect someone on account of them mistreating you or others, their selfishness or lack of consideration and bad conduct (such as lying or bullying) would make good reasons. Obviously, no one is perfect and ‘well-behaved’ 100% of the time so one would use their discretion to measure the impact of someone’s actions and behaviours on the level of respect for that person gets from you. You would typically measure these against your personal values and boundaries over a number of interactions but sometimes it can take one major infraction for you to lose respect for someone altogether.
Given the developments in communications technologies and social media, “first instance meetings” and interactions happen in all sorts of ways nowadays. You could have your first interaction with someone who you will never EVER meet in person, in a scenario that doesn’t involve you personally and under challenging circumstances (think about many of your interactions on The App Formerly Known As Twitter…”TAFKAT” would’ve made such a bomb name). My proposal under a new Respect Model involves quite a lot of emotional regulation and self-esteem. I will not (and honestly, cannot possibly) direct your on how to behave under all imaginable scenarios under the sun, so don’t come at me with the what if’s and what about’s. If I can get one thing across to you here, it would be to plant the seed in your mind, that what you were taught about respect and how things have “always been done” is not working and will continue to drive us down the path of failure in our personal, professional, national and international lives.
Respect is something that you have for people, whether they keep it is up to them. So instead of “respect your elders (or any other specific category of people based on some or other learned qualifying criteria)”, we should rather go forward with respecting people for their personhood, being considerate and thoughtful towards them…until such time as they give us reasons to lose respect for them. And trust me, people will give you reasons to not respect them quickly – through questionable, threatening or generally uncouth behaviours. The “bad apples” can’t help but make you lose respect for them sooner rather than later.
So, to the current kids and the grown kids alike – I leave you with this: respect people, the world will be better off that way.
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Thank you for taking this time to read/ listen to this blog.
Loved this piece Zah. Thank you for reminding us that respecting one another is a human thing to do. Job well done on your first blog, I hope it inspires you to write more.
Thank you for leaving a comment on the blog post, Dee. I appreciate that you took the time to read and engage.
I hope I continue to make you (and me) proud, I love you!!
Firstly, congratulations on starting your blog. I can’t wait to read more.
I totally agree with the sentiment that we should have respect for all people, and whether or not it’s maintened depends on them. I also think that African parents need to understand and respect when their children have lost respect for a certain elder due to that said elder’s actions/behaviour. I think it’s important for children to know that respect isn’t just something they give, but also a thing that they are entitled to (given that they have “earned” it)
Thank you for leaving a comment on the blog post, Kea. I appreciate that you took the time to read and engage.
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This is a good read, wish it was longer. 🙂🙌🏾
Ahhh thank you, Delicia. I’ glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for taking the time to read the blog and leaving a comment.