{"id":4280,"date":"2025-10-02T22:44:12","date_gmt":"2025-10-02T21:44:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/?p=4280"},"modified":"2025-10-03T05:07:11","modified_gmt":"2025-10-03T04:07:11","slug":"grief-and-joy-live-side-by-side-in-my-life-right-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/index.php\/2025\/10\/02\/grief-and-joy-live-side-by-side-in-my-life-right-now\/","title":{"rendered":"Grief and joy live side-by-side in my life right now"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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My oldest sister leaving this realm 2 weeks ahead of my wedding was certainly not on my bingo card\u2026for this life, never mind this year. This has been a long week.<\/p>

For the first time yesterday I said it without crying. Well\u2026to be honest, I whispered it to myself after Mo left for work in the morning. \u201cMy sister passed away on the weekend\u201d. It still feels like a gut punch. A very strange string of words to utter. I am shattered. Even while writing this little piece, I am really struggling to put things directly related to her in past tense. I can \u2018easily\u2019 talk through how I\u2019ve woken up in tears every day since Sunday morning, how I\u2019ve visited our WhatsApp chat in as many days trying to see whether I communicated my love for her enough or how seeing her smile in pictures has felt like a warm embrace. Talking about my experience since the weekend in past tense is fine\u2026talking about her existence in past tense feels so wrong. I described it to a friend as feeling like I\u2019m validating her death; which I know sounds dramatic and strange given that her death is factual but damn, saying it sounds so wrong. I\u2019ve decided to bite the bullet for this piece as a first step out of the denial stage in the 5 stages of grief, so I will correctly write in the past tense and see how it goes.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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My upbringing was good; I have a mother who worked very hard to provide for me and the rest of our household in my formative years. My mother has 3 kids, 2 from her previous marriage and me. \u00a0I\u2019m her youngest and the only one she shared with my father. My sister, Neo, is my mom\u2019s oldest and she really stepped up when my mom lost her business in 2007. From my perspective as a child, single motherhood didn\u2019t seem all too hard for my mother while she was working. She seemed to handle the early mornings and late nights with a confidence and commitment that couldn\u2019t be shaken but when she lost the lease to her stores, it became glaringly obvious that doing it all by herself was strenuous.<\/p>

My father was not a part of my life growing up. I have no living memory of him and pretty much only know that he existed because I exist. He did not raise me, nor did he contribute financially or otherwise to my upbringing. He passed away in August 2014 and I travelled to Newcastle with my mom to attend his funeral, which was\u2026an experience. I hardly experienced denial with his passing; I zoomed past that straight to anger. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve uttered this to anyone in this way but I kept on thinking \u201chow dare he die on me after leaving me as a kid? We were supposed to reconcile and I was supposed to show him how great I turned out without him\u201d. Ooof\u2026I know, that\u2019s kinda hectic.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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Anyway, this weekend I return to Newcastle to lay my sister to rest. Mantombi Grace Magasela, was my father\u2019s oldest daughter and my oldest sibling. She was 18 years my senior. \u00a0Manto was incredibly loving\u2026God, she had a heart on her. She always approached me with so much warmth and unquestionable affection. She loved me, my mom, her kids and their kids and was never shy expressing it. And we love her endlessly. So, we\u2019re all kind of lost right now. It is a big loss, dizzying, in fact.<\/p>

As a proper Zulu women, I\u2019m sure she could bite your head off if she really wanted to but to me, she didn\u2019t have much of a mean streak. She was a lover of truth, of family and of fun and seemed far more preoccupied with love than anything else. So, her legacy to me is a really positive one. She loved her children deeply. She found love and partnership. \u00a0She fought for her life. She supported her family. Her legacy is love. Neo said “love personified”.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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It was also with love that she stood up at our father\u2019s funeral and expressed disappointment at the relationship they shared. That despite being present in her life, he expressed limited interest or care in raising her because as a girl child she would marry his surname and his legacy away. This stunned a few people at the funeral, including me, to be honest. Although, I lived with a lot of resentment towards my father while he was alive, I also lived with a lot of envy towards my siblings from his side for having a father\u2019s love. In a way that only a prepubescent child and teenager could romanticise a stranger, I had imaginings that my father was probably a good father to the children he did raise. I had fantasised that he had redeemable qualities for what he lacked in dedication towards raising or getting to know me. My mother did not badmouth him or even speak about him at all really, so I only had my imagination to work with.<\/p>

But by the time Manto took the opportunity to speak up in 2014, I was 20 years old, with a mind that had seen what the world and the patriarchy accept from men and a heart that bounced between holding out for a reconciliation or continuing a fatherless existence. An existence that, honestly, might have been better off because I was fatherless.<\/p>

Manto was supposed to speak at my bridal shower this weekend. She will not. She will not speak again and that sucks.<\/p>

Manto was supposed to say my sthakazelo (clan names) next week Saturday. She will not. She will not utter my name again and that sucks.<\/p>

Manto was supposed to be gifted and honoured at my Membeso next week Saturday. She will be, in absentia. She will be with us in spirit and that is a joy.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t

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I bring up my father in this piece because Mantombi was my only connection to the Nkabinde bloodline. After Mo cradled me in his arms and delivered my mom\u2019s message about my sister\u2019s passing last weekend, I, understandably, short-circuited. There was nothing left for me to do that day. The feeling was indescribably heart wrenching. The only person who has been my bridge to the name I carry is now gone. I feel lost. More lost than ever before. Carrying a name that holds little to no deep connections to its origins can do that to someone. Not a unique story, South Africa is littered with children of the lost fathers. Manto\u2019s pasing immediately left me feeling like the bridge to my heritage had collapsed. And that sucks.<\/p>

It will be interesting navigating the world with this added complexity to my paternal family experience. I guess that\u2019s the one benefit of marrying away the name. In a way, I get start a new chapter and bring meaning to a name of my own choosing with a man and a family that have shown me a lot of love and affection. My wedding continues next weekend. One less guest\u2026but certainly, a world of love and support that has been flowing to me even before Manto left us.<\/p>

My sister, you will be sorely missed. The love you brought into every room, every hug, every call and every family gathering will remain your legacy. Faith is no easy task\u2026 I choose to believe that you will rest peacefully. That you have returned to your Maker. That this weekend\u2019 s send off will work seamlessly. Your life and heart will be celebrated. Your wishes and spirit will be honoured. And you will remain forever lodged in our best memories. Loving you was easy. Leaving you will hurt. But I accept. It is time for you to rest.<\/p>

_ _<\/i><\/p>

Thank you for taking the time to read\/ listen to this blog<\/i>.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My oldest sister leaving this realm 2 weeks ahead of my wedding was certainly not on my bingo card\u2026for this life, never mind this year. This has been a long week. For the first time yesterday I said it without crying. Well\u2026to be honest, I whispered it to myself after Mo left for work in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"set","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4280","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4280","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4280"}],"version-history":[{"count":40,"href":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4280\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4345,"href":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4280\/revisions\/4345"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4280"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4280"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yoursilencewillnotsaveyou.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4280"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}