Skip to content 
Tuesday, 28 November 2023, around 5:05 pm – I get home from the orthodontist office after a day that’s lasted way too long. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed with work and yet another payment I need to make for my braces treatment; this time, however, it’s for debonding. Yayyyy…right? Finally done with the most expensive treatment I’ve had to pay for out-of-pocket, but I’m stressed out because everything has been so expensive and I don’t know if I can manage yet another disbursement. So, I go to the second bedroom/office in our apartment, lock the door, sit on the floor and start crying. I just need to let out all of the frustration.
I left the office early that day, so I go open my laptop to check on the emails and teams chats I might have missed while away from my desk…not even 2 minutes in, a notification pops up to the left side of the screen. “Black women don’t want condoms.”
…wait what????
I see RED!!!
I skim through the article.
Livid!
Open a new tab, Google the study she names in her article (yes, that filth was written by a woman).
More tears… Defeated.
I close the laptop.
At some point during all this Mo had walked in, I could hear him make his way to our bedroom but I wasn’t ready to face him just yet. I wanted to clean up my mascara before greeting him and telling him about what I had just read.
That was then. Today, 369 days later, I am calmer, more composed… still angry though. That article was garbage and while I thought this blog post would serve as my comprehensive “f u” to The Star newspaper and Kailene Pillay; I have decided to take a different approach. I think a wiser one …we’ll see but certainly a different tone. Afterall, this blog is meant to be a safe space. So, while I won’t neuter all my anger, I hope to write this article with a shred more of dignity than I was initially willing to display.
Souce: Yfm article
– –
The first time I personally encountered a victim of rape was in grade 5; this brave firehouse of a girl was 10 turning 11 that year and she spoke to us so matter-of-factly about her story of being violated at 4 years old. I was young then, so while her story was terrifying; my developing brain just could not fathom what she was saying and how grave that experience was for a such a young person. Not that I believe an older girl or woman would have a better way of navigating that experience; just that it was just such an otherworldly story for me to hear of at the time.
The reality is, in this country, that is so not an otherworldly story or experience. Many many young women and people get sexually assaulted, raped and violated in South Africa. We’ve all heard a story…or even just several headlines in the newspapers.
So many of our friends, acquaintances, family members, coworkers, gym buddies and waiting staff have stories of their own or recollections of other women’s stories of some act of sexual violence in this country.
– –
I want to pause here and address something I don’t want to see in the comments or responses to this post. I acknowledge and empathise with the experiences of sexual violence against men and boys; I know that there are many men and boys who have been raped or sexually assaulted in this country too. I am, however, writing this piece in response to an article that singled out black women. Those are the people I am conscientiously looking to defend and lift in this post. I will at a later stage write about the social conditioning and hyper-sexualisation of men and boys. Please respect the scope of this post as clearly defined.
– –
In The Star’s article, Pillay references the Human Sciences Research Council’s 2022 survey “Sixth South African National HIV Prevalence, Incidence, Behaviour and Communication Survey (SABSSM1 VI)” to support her assertions and conclusions. You are welcome to read it at your leisure. Most of the article factually references the findings of the survey which is a “cross-sectional, population-based household survey designed to provide information on national and sub-national progress towards control of the HIV epidemic in South Africa.” I certainly have no bone to pick with the statements referencing the prevalence of positive HIV diagnoses and viral load suppression in the different demographic strata: sex, age groups and race across all 9 provinces. The fact that we (as a country) have made significant improvements in awareness, testing, treating HIV and curbing its spread is also appropriately acknowledged. And, I honestly do accept that not all sexual encounters without condom use are as a result of sexual violence.
She does, however, pierce a knife into my heart with this take:
HIV prevalence varied geographically, ranging from 8% in the Western Cape to 22% in KZN. Prevalence was nearly twice as high among women (20%) compared with men (12%), meaning that black women were more likely to refuse condoms.
This conclusion is unpleasant on her best day and disgusting on her worst. There are sooooooo many statistics that would make a reasonable, learned professional pause before making such a statement. Conflating prevalence of HIV positive diagnoses and refusing to use condoms is a gross misinterpretation of the finding, the gist of the survey and its key takeaways. The use of the words ‘want’ and ‘refuse’ in this context are more so indicative of attitudes, preferences and, by extension, consent, which is completely dismissive of the massive elephant in the room. The room is South Africa, the country bearing shocking headlines. A country where that faced a crisis in the shortage of rape kits in 2019, a country where corrective rape incidents and headlines intensified in the 20-teens, a country where men joke on Twitter about not needing to test or use protection if she looks alright. How could that woman write that? How could The Star greenlight that?
– –
Enough about journalists who lack tact, nuance and respect.
So, I endeavoured to (in)validate the article’s claims by conducting a survey on a sample of black women in my social and professional networks. 47 black women consented to participating in an anonymous survey I ran on the Mentimeter platform. I know most of the people who responded to the survey based on their agreement to participate in it but the responses are anonymous to me too, so I have no way of connecting a response and/or comment to a particular participant. I received 34** responses and included my own; thus 35 total participants. This is by no means a scientific or academic exercise but I certainly believe it is of the standard of a general touchpoint with society on the matter. Perhaps it could also serve as a conversation starter or scope expander for the Human Sciences Research Council’s future surveying efforts.
The results are self-explanatory. Please see below:
** I ackowledge that one participant did not complete questions 4 and 5 of the survey hence the change from 35 responses to 34 for the last 2 questions
– –
I have my own contentious personal experience with condom use in a previous relationship. I will not be sharing it here, following a discussion with my fiancé. We’ve decided that for my sanity against the internet’s madness, evil and lust for ‘tea’, and potential threat from the one who shall not be named, it would be wiser to say less.
I’ve questioned my decision to write about this very deep, very sensitive topic now. I’ve recently gotten engaged, and my partner and I are taking big steps into Mr-&-Mrshood, why would I decide to bring this up now of all times? As with many of my moral contemplations, I took this to my therapist. We explored. And landed on this as a potential reason: I’m at a point where I’ve cultivated safety for myself through learning and maturing, and I have a bit more emotional and mental capacity to discuss my views on society’s failings. In addition, the engagement has me thinking a lot about what kind of woman future Zama will become. As a wife. As a mother. And, potentially, as a role model. And even before I have my own kids, I have nieces, nephews, cousins and friends to protect and guide. So, my voice could lend itself to preventing young girls and women from encountering related challenges in future. I want to be brave and hopefully help my younger loved ones today and in future navigate their experiences in relation to consent, boundaries, sexual intercourse, self-advocacy, speaking to a trusted adult or friend when they are being harmed or can’t quite put words to the discomfort they experience after being pressured or coerced by someone who also tells them they want to be with them or love them.
The Star’s article really triggered me. That headline was venomous. And if I’m going to buy into my courage and my honesty, I’m happy to be an additional voice in the backlash. I’ve read enough responses during my surveying to let me know that I’m not alone. As a black woman…I see you ladies! Thank you so very much for sharing. And God is so incredibly generous for the soft landing He created for me in my future husband, who not only holds my hand through this; he encouraged me to go ahead, head held high.
– –
The Star and Kailene Pillay sh@t the bed on that one. And while I wanted this post to serve as a comprehensive “f u”, ultimately, I am happy with the more respectful stance, that is more aligned with my values system. I do not know what her and the institution’s motivations and pressures were at the time. I genuinely believe they should’ve at least tried to validate their assertion on preferences/attitudes/consent if they felt so strongly about keeping the headline. Yes, this approach probably doesn’t get them the rage-bait headline that their piece-of-sh!t article was published under, but they could’ve at least kept our dignity intact. And I guess if attention and backlash was the ultimate aim of that piece, they got it. Her mediocre writing and subpar comprehension stood the test of time in this fast-paced news cycle society we live in. I remembered it. But…maybe to be clear, I remembered the anger, bitterness and disappointment of reading that article; a perfectly missed opportunity to educate and advocate for women and teen girls to advocate for themselves as it relates to condom use in consensual intercourse. So, I guess it wasn’t complete waste of time for me to have read it. I’ve now managed to engage with women productively on the matter, share my thoughts and our light and (hopefully) keep our dignity intact.
For all the black girls and women out there, with heads slowly rising out of the shame has been imposed on you for generations and beyond; I would do this for you a thousand times over.
_ _
Thank you for taking this time to read/ listen to the blog.
As a young black South African woman,I would like to thank you for advocating for the rest of us. Thank you for your journalistic integrity that you composed when in all honesty Kailene Pillay does not deserve but alas! thank you for this beautifully crafted piece,will be spreading it as wide and far as I can.
Thank you so so much for reading the post and leaving a comment, Mimo❤️ I really appreciate it!! This was a tough one but the fire in my head and heart has subsided since its release, xx