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Friendships are incredibly important relationships. No one of us is an island, human beings are gregarious by nature, and community and connection are as important for our enjoyment of life as they are to our very survival. Science and psychology have discovered and proven that socialising and relationship-building have direct links to health outcomes and feelings of thriving in our lives. In Dr Corey Keyes’ research and book “Languishing”, social wellbeing accounts for 35% of the criteria he uses to determine whether one is flourishing (having or experiencing conditions that lead to good mental health; ie. improving psychological, relational and social functioning) or languishing (the polar opposite). So, the case for friendship is compelling…but what happens when your friendships become a source of conflict or pain? What happens when you start catching subtle hints that things aren’t vibing the way they used to?… that the connection just isn’t the same? A common thread I picked up in a lot of the TikTok stiches was instances of subtle animosity and envy that ended up resulting in bad faith conduct and the eventual demise of these friendships. So, how did we get here?
PERSONALITIES, ROLES & TENSION
When we make friends and convene in friendship duos or groups, it’s natural that certain personality traits shine in contrast to your mates’; often our dominant traits can end up creating roles or identities within our circles. As someone with a loud voice and goofy personality, I’ve often found myself as my friends’ hype-man at parties, sometimes losing my voice because I just had to shout “yebo” one too many times when the beat dropped. In other circles, the more serious and principled parts of my personality shine through, and I seem more reserved and mature. A common thread in all dynamics, though, is that my organisation and punctuality are the lowest ranking traits, therefore, I’m hardly ever in charge of planning the trips or events. Just call me up when you need a world of enthusiasm (well…at least when I’m not going through the most).
Similarly, it is easy for me to see which personality traits shine through most for my friends, so I can readily tell which one of my friends will give the best advice on a particular matter, who is good at planning events or trips, who will happily tag along no questions asked, who will help me get through the mental hurdles of self-doubt, who to refer to when buying gifts for others etc. Different people and personalities can get on like a house on fire on some days and then other times, the heat turns up a little too much and people get burned. Sometimes duos and groups can go through unintentional tensions when people wear their dominant personality traits as their key roles or identities within the dynamic.
A clear example I’ve come across with people attributing personality strengths to roles came up in a previous friend group where friction arose between two super organised/ pedantic, planner types who wanted to take charge of the planning our group trip. This started as a mini-irritation for one party and spiralled into incessant gossip, resentment and burn-book-type snickering behind people’s backs.
To someone like me, who is unbothered with taking on responsibility and, by implication, receiving credit and praise for organising a trip or experience for the group, the entire tiff did not seem like it was beyond a conversation…and I said as much. I remember encouraging one party to just, “talk it out”, because it didn’t seem worth being upset with someone over something so small (to me) and not letting them know.
What I grossly underappreciated in that scenario was the psychological impacts of social hierarchy and one’s perception of their ranking within a group or tribe. When a person has a (perceived or more formally established) role in a dynamic, they have an understanding of their contribution and value to the group and this, in turn, affects their behaviour, experiences and certain hormonal responses. Serotonin, one of the so-called “happy hormones” is responsible for variety of functions and behaviours, including:
- the stress response,
- fear,
- memory
- addiction, and
- sleep
and in anomalous circumstances where one’s position may be threatened (either in fact or supposedly), serotonin levels can be affected, which can also impact one’s perception of where they lie within the group’s hierarchy.
If the perception of being lower-than-desired within the social hierarchy persists, this can result in chronic stress and anxiety which quite often appear as jealousy and competitiveness within a dynamic. While we are an advanced species, this response is linked to more primitive parts of our make-up and our need for survival within our allocated and chosen tribes. A lot can happen when you feel that your position is threatened…in perception or fact.
YOUR SILENCE WILL NOT SAVE THE CONNECTION
My general approach to life has been in favour of having conversations instead of letting issues fester. I’ve seen people become resentful and lose contact over things that could’ve been resolved through uncomfortable, honest and vulnerable conversations.
I definitely don’t think that playing at your dominant trait is a bad thing, and therefore, I don’t view the occurrence of people with similar dominant personality traits clashing as a bad thing, I think that’s natural. I rate the lack of flexibility and communication towards conflict resolution is the bad thing. Ascribing a bit too much value to your identity/ position/ role in the duo or group such that it makes you a competitive towards people of similar traits is untenable.
One must have enough self-awareness, knowledge of your friends’ personalities, emotional honesty and grace when manoeuvring in social interactions; however, even the strongest potion of those 4 elements (and more) will not make you immune to friction or conflict…internally and interpersonally.
In addition to clashing over intangibles such personality traits and perceptions of social ranking, jealousy can obviously also arise from observing differences in material possessions or lifestyle changes as we grow older and experience successes and failures.
New car…post! Just got the keys to the house…post! Selfies of your friends at a lunch you weren’t invited to…click, click, click…post! 3K followers…3K rose gold helium balloons! POST! Exotic bae-cation…” prepare to be sick of me”!!! POST!
We’re living in the age of sharing life highlights and wins to “our people”, known and unknown… in a world where everyone looks like they are winning at life. A common thread in the TikTok compilation was themes of envy and jealousy that resulted in unnecessary comparisons and competitiveness.
Given the online zeitgeist, every day you will see snippets of many phases of people’s lives including their beautiful wins and (now, more than ever) their devastating losses. It’s easy to see how moments of failure or setbacks in our lives can feel a lot more crushing against this backdrop. The consistent barrage of Instagram’s highlight reels can lead to a brewing of jealousy towards strangers and certainly even towards the people in our lives.
Jealousy in and of itself is not a bad thing. I’ve learnt through my emotional honesty work and therapy journey that one should avoid casting judgement of their feelings and categorising feelings as good or bad. Your feelings are what you are experiencing at any given moment; they are there to tell you something about your experience at that moment. But (a) you are not your emotions, (b) acting on the surface-level emotions can make you liable to some or other loss in the future if you’re not careful and (c) denying or suppressing them doesn’t magically make them disappear. So, there’s work to do…we call that “emotional labour”.
YOUR SILENCE WILL NOT SAVE YOUR HEART
On a personal note, I’ve sometimes struggled every now and again with envy while scrolling the on the Gram, so I want to make it clear that my writing this piece is in no way me assuming an “I’m-above-it” or “I’m-better-than-that” stance on the matter. It’s more so in line with my commitment to continuously learn more about myself, my experience of the world and regulate my emotions while sharing candidly with you all. Again, nothing prescriptive here…just planting seeds and imparting my wisdoms.
An interesting observation I made over 2 years ago when I first started thinking about this piece was how I don’t really experience jealousy as it relates to my friends now. When I was younger, I definitely would but I’d try my hardest to not let that impact how I treated them. I pray that was successful. Now that I’m older, my experience is very different…and I think I know why that is. See, I know a lot about my friends’ lives – their family situations, their personal struggles, the lies they tell themselves, the hours they’ve put into their degrees, the tears they’ve cried, their black/ family tax obligations…a heck of a lot. So, when they win, when they achieve, when their posts come onto my screen, I have a relatively good idea of how much it took to get there, how deep the trenches were and (not just to make it about their struggles) how much they’ve wanted these beautiful outcomes. I beam with pride because I know them as full human beings whose accomplishments have meanings far beyond the regular humble brag online.
Now, with strangers…. it’s been a bit tricky. There, I have limited to no perspective outside of the highlight reel. So, little green-eyed monster tends to have its way with my mind and heart. Second to managing my procrastination habits, envy has been a consistent reason behind my Instagram detoxes. Sometimes I’m off the app for months at a time just to manage my emotions and experience. Like I said, I personally don’t believe that jealousy itself is a bad thing, it’s not a moral indictment; it’s just an emotion. How you deal with that emotion is more indicative of your character. When you let the monster drive the bus and you find yourself wishing for terrible things or loss for people or you start speaking negatively about them in their absence or in their comments…see, that’s not okay.
In situations involving jealousy and friends or acquaintances, I would refrain from discussing these feelings with the subject of your issue. I know, I know…that is contrary to what I just said. When it’s actual personality clashes, yes, go for it! Jealousy though is a bit trickier to manage. In these cases, sensitivities are heightened, and if we are being honest, the conflict of jealousy is an internal and personal one, not interpersonal. So, the tools I’ll refer to below are more so for your internal dialogue or maybe even journalling.
So, this is the playbook for communicating with yourself:
UNDERSTANDING AND DECONSTRUCTING JEALOUSY, THEN CULTIVATING SAFETY
First thing’s first, a reminder! No matter what the internet tells you, feeling jealous or envious does not make you a bad person. Jealousy is an emotion and, I promise you, you will not turn into a witch as soon as you admit that you’re feeling a little jealous every now and again. It does not immediately turn you into a bad person or a bad friend or a bad neighbour to acknowledge the feeling and experience of jealousy. It is natural. It is information.
Now…to the actual work. You will see that the common pattern with all these strategies is for you to turn inward, to have a look at yourself and understand that you are your own way through these feelings.
- Put some space between yourself and the person you’re feeling that way towards as you work on your heart and mind.
- Acknowledge and actively practise emotional honesty
- Name your emotions, as plainly and as honestly as you can. A cheat code to this would be to assume the position of an objective observer of the feelings or experience. If another person told you about these feelings, would you call it jealousy or insecurity or feeling threatened or less preferred?? If yes, then that simply is what it is!
- Like with all other emotions, jealousy comes and it goes. So don’t judge it or yourself when you experience feelings of envy. Acknowledge it, hold space for it and its discomfort, feel it and start decoding its causes.
- Get curious about why you are feeling that way
I think that seeking the answer to why you may be feeling a certain way is always an important starting point to understanding complex and conflicting feelings. The quality of the questions you ask yourself is important, a few examples are:
- Are you feeling jealous/envious because the thing you’ve observed someone having something that you desire?
- Do you even want it or are you just seeing something you do not have and that feeling of lack is what’s generating the discomfort and envy?
- Is there any fear of losing your friend or your position in their life/ a fear of being replaced?
- Are you feeling like others are achieving in areas you have been working towards and you’re just not coming right?
- Do you feel like you are falling behind or stuck?
Overall, the quality of questions you ask yourself will help you direct your quality of life…but the catch is the answers also have to match the outcome you want. Don’t cheat yourself here!
- Answer the questions with compassion and integrity
- Hold space for discomfort; I’ve come to learn that continuously chasing comfort is somewhat equivalent to chasing growth away. You cannot avoid discomfort forever and grow deeply, emotionally, professionally, relationally or otherwise.
- Do not run away from the real answers. Remember, the feelings themselves are neither good nor bad so be honest with yourself and don’t judge yourself for it.
- Journal – putting down pen to paper on your thoughts has emotional and cognitive benefits, including:
- Increased Self-Awareness: By reflecting on your thoughts and feelings, you can gain a deeper understanding of yourself.
- Stress Relief: Writing about your feelings can reduce stress and anxiety.
- Improved Mood: Journaling can help you process and manage negative emotions.
- Improved Problem-Solving: Writing about challenges can help you identify solutions.
In addition to the above, journaling has practical benefits. In place of spending time focusing other people’s traits/ personalities, dreams, achievements and possessions, you can give apply that effort into staying in your own race, at your pace and sowing your on seeds:
- Goal Setting and Tracking: Journaling can help you set and achieve goals.
- Gratitude Practice: Focusing on positive experiences can boost happiness.
- Habit Tracking: Journaling can help you develop and maintain positive habits.
- 5. Pray
As with many (if not all) things on this blog, I live this sh!t. I’ve seen my heart and mind transform as I’ve gotten to know myself deeper and deeper – the good, the bad and the sh!t you will never read about. And I think the more you learn about yourself on a deeper level, the more compassion you meet yourself with, the more you are able to apply it to your friends too. You most certainly won’t be immune to feeling but you will trek towards better emotional regulation and (hopefully) heightened integrity. If you genuinely love and like your friends, I think you’ll come out of the woods on this one. I’m hoping that the outcome of these exercises is learning what I have come to learn…
END
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Thank you for taking this time to read/ listen to the blog. Next up: World AIDS Day 2024 – Death of Journalism (D.O.J)!
