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Reflections from the third floor
At the beginning of the year, I had planned to pen and share some reflections ahead of my 30th birthday but we all know how that went. I’d like honour that now by sharing a few thoughts in a list of 30 items I’ve learned, experienced, want to impart/share, nice-to-knows about me etc. I don’t have a complete list of 30 as I start writing this, but I will intermittently update as and when things come up…and I promise to complete the list of 30 before 2024 bows out, deal? No recording on this one given that it will be multiple iterations as a add new items.
Although I’d like to generally keep it light-hearted, I know we may get deep on some of these items…starting with the first one:
- Part of growing up is understanding that your parents are just people too; they are as complicated, flawed and fallible as you are. This hit me at 2 different points for my mom and my father. The first was in 2014 when I was at home babysitting my nephew on a Saturday afternoon and my mom walked in the room looking distraught and just mumbled “she’s gone” and started bawling with a pain I had never seen her display before. This startled my nephew, who was in my arms and so, he started crying too. My mom was referring to her older sister, my aunt, who had been at Baragwanath Hospital for a while in ill health. So, there I was, 20 years old consoling my little boy on one side and my mom on the other and for a moment, the parent-child dynamic lapsed and I was just comforting a woman who was dealing with a heavy loss. You will always be your parents’ child but once you are no longer a child, the dynamic changes and I think maturity involves a shift in the dynamic that allows for both parent and child to grow. For me, that maturity has developed into having a voice at home, exploring liberties that teenage Zama would be shocked I have and getting access to the family tea! They are human, just like you.
2. My childhood sounds like Destiny’s Child, Simphiwe Dana, Aaliyah, Jill Scott, Joyous Celebrations, Luther Vandross, Barorisi ba Morena and so many more…heavy on the R&B, heavy on the gospel. Music is one of my most instinctive hacks towards emotional regulation and joy seeking, even when it’s just temporary.
3. My favourite podcasts are Shane Parrish’s The Knowledge Project, Adam Grant’s Work Life and Jackie and Preston Perry’s With The Perrys. I sometimes struggle with leisure reading given that half my job is reading financial statements, broker research and investor presentations, so I sometimes unfortunately feel a level of fatigue and/or disengagement when reading outside of work. Podcasts have really helped my knowledge acquisition in times where leisure reading doesn’t quite stick…honorary shoutout to the Sisterhood of the Travelling Mgowo, I miss the girlies!!
4. I don’t believe in the romantic concept of a soulmate and I’m so glad society is leaning less and less on that as the epitome of romantic love. I don’t believe that there is this person who is perfectly made just for you who will be your best friend, your most passionate lover, the cure to your loneliness, your perfect match who will complete you etc…because gosh, the pressure!! I think that outside of physical intimacy, the responsibilities and qualities ascribed to the romantic soulmate can and should be shared by a community of people who love/like/ care for you (your soul tribe). I believe that thinking about it this way allows you to not pedestal your partner, which also allows you to have so much more grace for them and grows your heart in the communities you create for yourself.
5. Short of declaring a Shondaesque “Year of Yes” awakening, I’ve come to a point where I am refusing more and more to be the reason why something I want doesn’t come to fruition. I don’t want to be the one to say no to a dream, a pursuit, a desire that aligns with my values, ambitions or purpose. I no longer want to stand in my own way, stunted by fear, insecurity and worry. While many might call me brave already, I know I could take it up a notch or 5. In a way, this blog was part of this mindset shift.
6. Safety is so incredibly important to me; it ranks higher than happiness in my view. I am busy working on The Safety Series, which will be a 4-part series looking into safety from the perspective of friendships, romantic relationships, familial life and personal psychological safety. I think we are not taught to value safety appropriately and, for many of us, only learn to do so after something or someone threatens or violates our sense of safety. So, I now believe in a more proactive approach of advocating for and valuing safety.
7. One of my funniest memories growing up was coming back home from school and going to chill and do homework in my sister’s room which was outside of the main house, had a tv and its own DStv decoder I could control. I walked into her room and found a box of Debonairs pizza and decided that I’m going to eat 2 slices and apologise for it later. I was still hungry after eating the second slice, so I teetered over to the box and spotted something written in permanent marker on the top that I hadn’t noticed in my initial rush…. It read “EAT ME ZAMA!!!”. My girl had anticipated that her chubby little sister would want some of the good stuff and left the box for me… I experienced a lot of lack growing up but my sister was truly a godsend and she always made sure to soften the blow of our financial challenges at home.
8. My favourite part of the SHIELD maxim is ‘E for exercise’. I have been quite consistent in the gym for about 21 weeks following a push – pull- legs program (shoutout to my fiancé for putting me on). My floor is 3 days, and my ceiling is 5 days – 4 sets of 8 – 12 reps. I’ve become really competent and confident with my weightlifting workouts; what I do need to improve on is my efficiency… I currently average just over an hour in the gym, given the waiting and negotiating for machinery. I’m also excitedly aiming to return to boxing and pilates soon.
9. Cole said it best, “pride is the devil”
10. I wear size 5 shoes, this has been a fact for 9 years now. All throughout high school and the first 2 years of varsity, I wore size 6 shoes. How did I figure out I was wearing the wrong size shoes? In July of 3rd year at Wits, I popped into the LEGiT store in Braamfontein looking for heels for a Women’s Day event I wanted to attend…the store had no size 6 in the heels I wanted. So, I decided to try a size down to see if I could chance that pair…the rest is history
11. Singing is my first language, I come from a family full of loud, dramatic and hilarious women and song is such a fundamental part of our communication.
12. When I was 22, I called myself “my ancestor’s wildest dreams” after seeing that on Ava DuVernay’s shirt in an Instagram post. What I didn’t realise is that wanting to change the course of my lineage was not only going to be an economic task (i.e. upward social mobility). I think being a cycle-breaker is ultimately about love; it takes a lot of courage and there will be tears (sooooo many tears). This is why I am a big advocate for therapy and community.
13. I generally don’t do things I don’t want to do. Outside of contractual obligations, I try to only do things that I authentically want to do with an open heart or things are for the good of someone or something I care for. I try to keep this principle so that I don’t begrudgingly do anything out of potential people pleasing or wanting to be liked. I’ve had a number of experiences where I did/agreed to do things that I didn’t want to do and when I didn’t get the high-5 or affection or appreciation or validation I was seeking, I came out feeling resentful, upset or used. I’ve learned from those experiences, and many observations of other people, that it’s not kind to do things with the expectation to be rewarded or praised or loved in return. So, I’d rather disappoint with a genuine no than fake the funk, looking to appease or gain from (somewhat) performative kindness. The flip side of this is that my yes is a true “I want to do this” yes, out of genuine care and kindness.
14. Honesty does not have to be brutal, it just has be honest. Just be rude if you want to be but leave honesty out of it.
15. German (second additional language) was my highest distinction in Matric – 91%
16. One of the most interesting and important learnings I’ve made over the last couple of years is understanding different types of logical fallacies. This has helped me define and refine my convictions on matters I believe in, advocate for and use in arguments. Some of my favourites to spot and consider are: (a) Ad hominem, (b) false cause, (c) bandwagon and (d) appeal to authority. Trust me, you want to know these…Google is your friend
17. I don’t really follow astrology…there are just too many moving parts for my brain to grasp but I’m an Aries (23 March) and Beyoncé said we’re flirtatious!
18. I’m hoping I learn to trust my voice, my thoughts, my views, my contributions more and more as I grow. I do think that time on this earth gifts one with a big opportunity to learn and grow wiser; hence why people assume that the old are wise. So, while I do agree that age and wisdom can be correlated, I do not think age causes wisdom. You have to actually learn and apply yourself over and over again to become wise as you grow older.
19. Loving men…hating their social conditioning (listen carefully)
20. I didn’t really grow up dreaming about getting married or a beautiful wedding. I grew up dreaming about being successful and making money because I went to school with people who were chauffeured to school…that sh!t blew my mind!!! Now that I am getting married, this time has turned into such a thrilling discovery of self; I’m learning a lot about my taste, my preferences, the things I want in my marriage, what I want to say at the altar and commit to etc. A beautiful discovery and creation of a new facet of self within the romantic love domain.
Here’s a sneak peek from our amazing engagement shoot:
Photographer and creative director: Stacy Hart (IG: @kinglady_capetown)
Shot on Bloubergstrand beach
21. I have two tattoos – the first is on my left bicep “Prayer changes things” which I got on 09 July 2016 and the second on my right hip “liberté” done on 23 February 2019. Both times I thought earnestly about what I would be happy to have on my body at 70 years old…time will tell, still happy with them now @ 30!
22. “Your new life is going to cost you your old one” – Brianna Wiest
23. I’m a uni “drop out” (*smh*). I did not complete my Masters of Commerce programme that I started in 2017. Honestly, I do regret not finishing it. At the time I was not interested in the programme and for the first time in my life I felt like I didn’t have to keep up with what the smart kids were doing to prove myself to other people; I could clearly distinguish myself, a lover of teaching and learning, from the people who loved the research component of academia and I was not that guy. It was honestly freeing to know that I wasn’t pushing myself out of a lack of interest and engagement and not out of incompetence. However, I do regret not taking the opportunity seriously; I have no doubt that biting the bullet and completing it would’ve left me with some important skills, a great professional network and a sense of pride and achievement despite the apathy I felt at the time.
24. My favourite The Office character is Dwight, he’s such a fascinating and consistently weird character and the bond he creates with Pam is the sweetest. Bravo, Rainn Wilson!!
25. Do not ask me why but a trip to Peru just sounds like the most beautiful time I will be having some day in the future, I cannot wait! I don’t have a structured bucket list but that is an experience I would love to have one day!
26. The season of discovery is not just related to getting married (as detailed in no. 20), I’m also discovering what leisure and fun look like without drinking and staying up into the AMs. I’ve taken an interest in a number of activities that satiate brain-and-body challenges, childlike ease and fun, and community. My 30s are going to look quite different, methinks!
27. It’s time to start asking people what they meant to do when they say “I didn’t mean to hurt you”, you do not have to tolerate people’s lack of consideration for you and your feelings in their intentions or behaviours. Shut that sh!t down!
28. Beyoncé – Pretty Hurts
29. My family is very women-heavy, so I’ve always seen women as competent and capable leaders. I was pretty much raised within a matriarchal context…so, I was always going to be a feminist. I think the world is rather disingenuous when contemplating woman leadership; you hear it over and over again that “girls/ women mature faster than boys/men” when people talk about maturity, personal and domestic responsibilities and romantic/sexual relationships but somehow good leadership of nations and corporations is doomed with women at the helm?
30. Community and collective love are so important, do not get lost in the sauce of your individual exceptionalism.
This was so heartwarming to read ❤️🥹
Thanksssss Krinny ❤️I appreciate that you took the time to read the post and engage xx